It’s so strange how insecurities work. I’m sure growing up that I had insecurities like any pre-teen and teenager did. I don’t think I was ever insecure about my body though. I mean, I thought about it. I worried about putting on weight. However, I answered the door in my bikini all of the time. I went places in booty shorts and tank tops. I never worried that much about clothes fitting. Even when I was in my 20’s I was always generally the same size.

Fast forward to 2011. I started real estate this year. Stress kicked in. I ate a LOT of fast food because I was eating what my boss was eating. I never knew when I was going to be needed to work, so I quit going to the gym. Then I had a wrist surgery. I somehow managed to get back in shape after that and I was so proud at the time. Then I had another wrist surgery and it was a doozy (you can read about it here if you want). Long story short I medicated with whiskey, I barely moved and I put on 60 lbs. It was crazy.

You know how it is when you get on the scale every day and it just keeps going up up up and you feel like there’s nothing you can do about it? I was there. Even then I didn’t feel the insecurities I feel now. No, I think that started coming on when I, basically, quit dating. There was no one there to tell me I was attractive and that they liked the way I looked, so I quit believing that about myself. Then I got on the dating apps and people there can be very nice and then very mean. Sometimes they don’t even know that what they’re saying can be so harmful.

On the dating apps, I started getting messages that said things like, “I like bigger women”. I didn’t even consider myself a bigger woman. I still don’t consider myself a bigger woman. When I was at my heaviest weight I still didn’t consider myself that. I don’t know if there are women out there who like to be called big, or what, but it never sat well with me. I didn’t want to be a bigger woman and if anything were to push me to have an eating disorder, it would be getting called a “bigger woman”. I quit talking to the guys who said that right away. Didn’t even give them a chance. I don’t want to be a big woman and I don’t want to date someone who is happy with me being “big”.

Now a days, when I hang out with my friends, who are slim and in shape, I don’t feel secure about myself and I don’t feel like I should draw attention to myself. I don’t want people looking at me – male or female. I wear clothes that I feel are stylish and appropriate (I hope), but I don’t feel secure in them. I actually feel very insecure because I know what people must be thinking about my beautiful friends vs what they think about me. So I don’t have drinks and I don’t stay long. I go and I spend time with my friends and then I get out of there before anyone can say anything that might hurt my feelings or before I say anything that would give me away. I truly don’t need that.

So this year, for 2024, I’m going to work on that. I’ve got to be secure in who I am if I want to truly be happy. I’m going to try to stay for longer with my friends and I’m going to continue to work on myself to be, and look ,the way I want in order to feel secure in my own skin. For better or worse, maybe people aside from my friends, will get to see who I really am this year!?

Getting old is for the birds man.