Here lately I have found myself worried for no reason. The things I’m worried about are 2 completely different things.

First of all, my Aunt passed away recently and admittedly I’m still coping with that. With the sheer idea that she just isn’t here any more. With the fact I’ll never see her again. Most of all, with the concept that her daughter will never get to talk to her mother again.

I can’t imagine and don’t WANT to imagine a life without my mom in it. It’s giving me true, real anxiety. I text mom at least once or twice (or 50 times) a day just to make sure she’s ok now. If she doesn’t answer in a few minutes, I (anxiously) continue texting her until I finally get a response. It’s not really logical for me to think she’s not alright, but I just can’t help it. I need confirmation that she’s ok.

I even find myself doing the same thing with other family members. If I hear there was an accident even close to where my brothers, sister-in-law or dad are, I start checking around. Just making sure they’re ok. It could be something silly – a meme. It could be a question about a project I’m getting ready to do that I need help with (even if I don’t need help, I may ask advice just to solicit a response).

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done this for a while now. Checking on people to make sure they’re ok without saying, “ARE YOU OK?”. Now it seems to have gotten worse though.

Secondly, and most randomly, I watch a lot of videos on YouTube. I watch some girls who consider themselves “mid-sized” and honestly, I’ve gotten a lot of body confidence from watching their videos. That said, I worry about them (like I said, random). I wonder if they know their family history. Does it involve heart problems? High blood pressure? Stroke? Do they realize that putting on weight puts them at higher risk for these issues?

Mostly, I’m aware that these are my personal problems. Things I think about constantly and am trying to remedy. Do I want to lose weight to look better in my clothes? Sure. More so though, I want to be healthy. I feel like a healthy size for me is probably an 8-10. I’m not going crazy here, I want to enjoy food at holidays. I want to have a burger every now and then. If I want ice cream, I don’t want to feel bad about eating it. I DO want to keep my blood pressure down and my body healthy.

That said, I think about saying something on these girls’ YouTube feeds but I know it will solicit a response. I don’t think they would understand I’m just trying to make them see the consequences of their choices. I don’t want to shame anyone, like I said, they helped me to see that I can look nice in clothes even at this size. That said, I have also realized that the weight I’m carrying is bad for my health and I don’t want them to be in the same position when they don’t have to be. Losing weight is HARD!