Everyone knows losing an animal sucks. My particular animal was the only other soul at my house, my best friend, my fluffy protector. You think I’m kidding. More than once she cornered people by the front door, downstairs, and in the living room. She could be terrifying. I contemplated calling this, “V. Pepper Potts – the cat, the bitch, the legend” but she wasn’t really a bitch. She COULD BE one but man when it was just she and I (and things were going the way she wanted them to) she was just the best cat. She was chill. She was funny. She hung out but wasn’t always up in my business (when she passed into her adult years). I couldn’t really have company over which was a problem, but I loved her so much, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for her.

When I first got Peppers she was just a little fluffy, feisty, ball of fur. I mean, look at that little turd. She wanted me all of the time and I wanted to be with her all of the time. That never changed over time.

She would follow me around. If I wanted to read a book, she would lay on me to get my attention. It was everything I wanted from my new baby and I instantly fell in love. 3 months after I got her I discovered that I am, indeed, allergic to cats. It didn’t matter, I started taking my allergy meds morning and night and I did that for 12 years while she lived with me. You know what? I’d do it again 100 times over. I love(d) her so much.

I have so many photos of my cat. Yeah I’m sure it got annoying over time but when everyone else was posting photos of their kids and being proud of their accomplishments, all I really had was Peppers. She filled that gap for me and her little personality shined brighter than the sun. Yes she had her quirks but it made her who she was. She would sit and judge me for taking too long in the morning and she would be content staying home so long as I told her where I was going and when I would be back at night. Did she understand me when I told her? I doubt it. I needed someone to talk to and talk to her I did.

She was mischievous and it cracked me up to no end. It was only a couple of years ago when she sort of started chilling out more than normal. Maybe she was getting sick then. I never attributed it to anything more than the fact I was staying home more because of the pandemic and she was more content because she had company. Sometimes I resented her a little because I couldn’t have people at my home without having to say, “Peppers is there, are you ok with that?” Because she truly scared the bajeebers out of everyone.

This is Peppers on her last day (3.21.2022). It was such a beautiful day and I’m grateful for this moment. I was able to open the window and with a gentle breeze she lay in the sun and purred for a short while. I sat in the chair next to her crying because I knew she wouldn’t be with me soon. I took her to the vet and in true Peppers-style, she screamed at me most of the way there. She was to weak to do it the whole time though and she would take little breaks before scaring me with her scream again. The vet and my sister-in-law were there when her little heart beat it’s last beat. She would have hated it. Other people touching her soft fur that she had so meticulously groomed. I, on the other hand, was so happy someone FINALLY got to feel just how soft she really was. Petting her was like petting a rabbits foot.

Now I have to cope with the fact that my little buddy isn’t going to be around anymore. There’s no little face to judge me when I take too long in the morning. No mouth to feed and depend on me for treats. No one to get up on my chest and purr when I can’t sleep and am on my phone late at night. No one to talk to in my house. It’s just been so lonely and she just went to the other side yesterday.

I do feel in my heart that I made the right choice. I think maybe the hardest thing about putting an animal in the forever-sleep is feeling like you killed them. I mean, technically I did. I just hope wherever she is, that she knows I did it so she didn’t have to suffer. I hope that some day, if I just quit eating and am miserable… if my quality of life is awful and I’ve lost the ability to do anything I really want to, that someone would be so kind as to do the same for me. In all reality, you know that wherever she is, she’s pissed that I made her go to the vet for our last time together. That sounds like a very Peppers way to go out.

Originally the vet said we should treat her for pancreatitis but when I took Peppers in for her forever-sleep, she said that Peppers likely had some type of cancer that caused her muscle deterioration. She was just so skinny and weak. She wasn’t eating and I just WOULD NOT let her starve herself to death. She would smell her food sometimes and then just not eat any. I was treating her with a steroid cream that was supposed to make her hungry and thirsty. Can you imagine? You’re STARVING and you just don’t want to eat because it hurts. As much as I loved that sweet little cat, I couldn’t/wouldn’t watch her deteriorate and die in her bed alone. The way she went out she wasn’t alone. I was there by her head stroking her forehead like she liked. When I left the vet, I left her with my sister-in-law, who I know will take the best care of her soft little body.

Now she’s gone and pain-free and I’m left here with a broken-heart. It wasn’t about me then though. I just keep reminding myself that I did the right thing and that it’s for the best that she’s not suffering any more. What makes it so hard is that she was purring right up to the day I took her to the vet. If she hadn’t jumped and tried to get on her cat tree but not made it that day, I may have put off putting her to sleep. She jumped and couldn’t quite get there and was just hanging there on the ledge of the bed until I grabbed her really quickly and put her up there. She had never had an issue getting up there before. She was just so weak and frail. Then she only stayed for a little while and went back upstairs. That’s how I knew it was the right time. Healthy Peppers would have stayed in that window until the sun went down chirping at birds, acting like she was ignoring my friends who try to talk to her and watching the squirrels. Staring at me with her judgy little face – just like Peppers does… did.

I should get her ashes back within a week or so. I’m going to scatter them around the tree out front so she can lay in the sun and watch the birds and squirrels forever. She will forever be in my heart and now I will try to begin healing with all of the happy and funny memories she left with me. It’s going to be so hard with all of the firsts I still have to do without her. Just today I was thinking about having chicken for dinner. Man that cat loved having chicken with me for dinner. No more chicken for her. Only sleep.

If any of this doesn’t make sense forgive me. I’ll go back and edit it at a later time. I just can’t go back and read it over and over like I normally would. It’s too fresh. It’s too painful. I’m not even sure how I made it this far.