This pandemic has been a lot to process. Let us talk about February of 2020. I was going to the gym regularly. I had finally gotten into a habit AND I had a friend that I met there every now and then. Progress was showing in my jeans and my blood pressure and I was happy.

Then one day…. life changed. I was suddenly afraid to leave my house. My family and friends were all potentially people I could make sick were I to contract this mysterious illness that was wreaking havoc on not only MY state and country, but the entire WORLD. The symptoms you ask? ANYTHING AND NOTHING. You could feel just fine. You could suddenly become VERY ill, go to the hospital and die in 2 days. It was non-discriminatory, meaning you could be a friggin Marathon runner, contract the COVID and end up not being able to breath within days. You could be an unhealthy alcoholic, get it, suffer for a week and then be fine. Some people get it and don’t even know they have it. They feel safe so they frolic around as if the pandemic isn’t killing thousands of people and pass it around to their family and friends like a joint. Puff puff give! You just killed someone you love. Wear your dang mask!

For me, I just sit at home. I’ve made an effort to make my body healthier by joining Weight Watchers and making sure I get my cardio and steps in every day. My Apple Watch has truly been a blessing. Without it it would be so much easier to just say – I’m not doing it today. Instead every day I have goals and I try to hit them. Physically I’m doing better than I have in a while – I sure could use that gym membership that I cancelled in March though. Mentally, I don’t think I’m doing as well as I portray. I try to keep up with family and friends and I even made a couple of new friends at the beginning of all of this. That said, I quit processing things as I watched people I love and/or admire pass away from this or that. Not everyone that passed away this year passed from COVID. However, I didn’t get to go mourn their passing due to the ban of large group gatherings. I never really processed the loss from my life.

One of our agents who was also one of my good friends passed after he had surgery. He had found out he had cancer early in the year and had to do chemo throughout the year. He got to the point where they were ready to go in and remove the mass. When he came out of surgery he was weak but then he had a stroke. His wife fought for her and their daughter to be with him as he slowly left this world.

My great uncle left the world after fighting Parkinsons and his wife left shortly thereafter. Now, just yesterday at 8pm, I lost another great aunt. All people who I loved but just didn’t see very often.

It’s so hard to process all of this. What I DO know is that I think about my friend Marc and all of his good advice all of the time. I think about the families of the people who lost their grandparents and friends all of the time. It’s like they’re still there though. In my mind, they’re in limbo. I know they’re not there… but MAYBE….

There is no processing of death right now. Not for me anyway. In order to maintain my mental health, I think that’s what I have to do. Basically I tell myself it happened, but because I can’t attend any of the typical grieving-type ceremonies… and there’s nobody here for me to hug… it’s like it never happened. I’m keeping this ball of grief right here in my chest and have a feeling that one day it’s just going to want to come out at the most inconvenient time. I forewarn you now that this could happen at any moment. It will likely come out as a muffled scream and I’m going to need to go home and cry it out.