A very important person in my life passed away this weekend. I can’t even fathom having a holiday and her not being there and to be honest, I don’t even want to think about it.
The evening I found out (Sunday) I was actually having a very good day. I did laundry all day and got so much accomplished. I was sitting on the couch when my dad called. He usually texts so I answered right away. I picked up the phone and I could tell he had what he wanted to say rehearsed in his head. He told me Aunt Susi had passed away but… I couldn’t process it. I didn’t handle it well. He went through the details… we don’t know why it happened. Brittany (her daughter) was trying to get a hold of her and couldn’t so she went over to Susi’s and found her after she had passed. They were waiting on the coroner. By the time I got off of the phone I was sobbing. I cried and cried and cried until I was hyperventilating. I had to physically tell myself to calm down, you HAVE to breathe.
Dad told Bradley and Courtney (brother and sister-in-law) about Susi after he spoke to me. Brad ask dad if there was anything to do. Dad was apparently worried about me and he ask them if they would come check on me. I’m glad they did because I was just sitting in my living room crying, trying to breathe, trying to comprehend what was happening… then finally just sitting on a stool looking out the window trying to figure out why it would happen to such a beautiful person.
When Brad and Courtney got there I got what I needed. A hug. A shoulder to cry on. Then someone to talk so I could calm down and just listen to someone else instead of my brain going over and over and over everything like a broken record. Why did it happen? What will my cousins do? Will they be ok? Poor Norah won’t know her grandma any longer. Oh no what about holidays. On and on and on the thoughts kept coming. Brad and Courtney helped me get out of that loop and for that I’m grateful.
Monday morning was Memorial Day and I was off of work. I needed to DO something. I needed to find peace in what was happening. I needed to find acceptance. I went to the one place that I knew I could be alone with my thoughts – Highbanks Park. I went and I hiked 5-ish miles. While I was out there I did a lot of thinking about mourning and what life was going to be like now without my aunt.
What I decided was that mourning is for the living and that it was ok. I can mourn and mourn but when it all comes down to it, Aunt Susi is probably in Heaven watching Jeopardy with Grandpa and Grandma. She’s probably hugging them close and watching us all make our life decisions from above. That’s what I choose to believe.
That afternoon I went and hung out with my family while some of them were working on building a new deck. It was just what I needed at that time. To spend time with my family. Hopefully to let them know I loved them. By the time I left I had gotten to see much of my family.
I still tear up every now and then. I’m still not ok. That will come with time. Hopefully this lump in my throat will go away and I will just have the memories she left with me to cherish.